Mouth of Madness


Wednesday, August 08, 2007

I'm only speeding because I really have to poop.

Saw that on a bumper sticker yesterday.  It was a really nice car, too!

I think that it may be one of those days.  Already, I've overflowed the coffee pot and walked into a door frame.  I'm so graceful. Tom, the most mild mannered and generally quiet person here at work, has cursed twice.  I just burned my tongue on hot coffee, and most of my animal crackers have been the business end of the animal.  Oh wait.  Here's a whole turtle.  And an elephant butt.  A lion butt.  This gives me a brilliant idea.  I should start a psychic service based on animal crackers.  Two elephant butts means you have something very ominous in your future.  A camel head means... well, I'd have to sit and think about it for a while.  I'm sure, however, that mostly ass crackers means that one is going to have a bad day.

Speaking of predictions... er, well, not really.  But predictions and karma fall into the same sorta category I suppose.  Eh?  Anyhoo, a good while back, whilst still feuding with an exboyfriend, he had something smart to say about seeing me with a guy at a restaurant.  XBF was there with his woman, who had really put on a lot of weight, and being pissy, I threw that fact back at him.  He said she was on some medication that made her gain weight.  I remember thinking then, "yeah, whatever", and feeling rather pleased with myself at the dig.  Oh, but here comes KARMA, riding in on a big white fucking horse, and wouldn't you know it, I found out that the reason I've been putting on weight is that my current medications cause weight gain.  Life's a bitch.  How do you compete with a pill that causes you to be perpetually hungry and crave carbs?  No wonder I've been eating so much damned cereal.  I love cereal, but I surely would have stopped at one bowl in the past.  When I'm home alone for dinner, it's always cereal.  Fruity Pebbles.  Count Chocula.  Boo Berry.  Frosted Mini Wheats.  The new Captain Crunch Chocolate.  Man, I love cereal.  But methinks I'd better keep it out of my cabinet if I can't restrain myself.

Oh, and here's a random tip.  Don't ever say you're fat in front of a Weight Watcher's success person.  You will get a sermon (albeit mine was brief because she was short on time, however, she told me that I was getting off easy).  She said fat = ugly, and a bunch of other things, and at any rate, I walked away feeling somewhat better about myself and also wondering what they do at those weight watchers meetings that make people so... passionately vehement.  Weight Watchers must be the Jehovah's Witnesses of dieting.

Speaking of religious zealots, did you know that Mormon wives exist solely to serve their husbands?  And that in order to get to heaven, their husbands have to pray them in?  So, in other words, you burn hubby's meatloaf one too many times, and he might decide you get to spend eternity where things are burnt. 

Back to the XBF I mentioned... I guess thinking about him and his woman made my feeble mind brew up some weird ass dream about him last night.  It was terribly remniscent of our real life relationship at the end, only there were a lot of kids, and action figures, and it was raining.  He was using a kid's umbrella that would barely cover me.  His woman accused me of peeing off the balcony onto XBF, which I didn't do.  Weirdness.  I miss the person I thought he was... but I surely don't miss the real guy.  He's just... not a nice person!  (keeping the insults in check cuz I'm a little gunshy about the karma thing at the moment).

However... I will add this:

Dear Honda Rider with the Spiffy Matching Outfit:

You do NOT own the road.  Motorcyclists do deserve respect, but we should NOT have to get in the frickin' ditch just because you're riding the center of a one lane road.  Ass.

Love n' Kisses,


PS:  Get a real bike!!

Posted at 8/8/2007 10:44:53 am by Rowan

The Girlchild
August 14, 2007   12:40 AM PDT

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