Mouth of Madness


Sunday, July 24, 2011


So I was really super excited about going out with some other persons of the female persuasion, as I haven't been to a bar since Jesus was a baby.  There was this bar that I didn't know existed (as the one place I used to frequent is no more and I don't think the girls would have enjoyed drag queens and girly men like I would have).  Anyway, the bar is in what used to be an elementary school, didn't look like it would potentially ruin my current reputation (note I say "current"), they had a band, a wide variety of libations, and wasn't too far from home.  The place was cool, if for no other reason than it used to have elementary kids running around inside it.  The band was great.  But FF1 was clearly not enjoying the music, as she only likes country and this was sort of a modern day Jimmy Buffett band kinda thing.  After the band finished the first set, FF2 said, "Well, I'm about ready to go.  I have two bottles of wine at home and I'm going to get toasted."  Say what?  Oh-kay... well I offered to go somewhere else, but FF2 said she preferred to get drunk at home and FF1 said maybe another time.  So we leave.  We hadn't been there two hours, mind you, and I'd only had two shots of tequila, and FF1 insisted on driving because she didn't think I was sober enough.  Come on.  Two shots?  Really.  So we left.  I got home, and the house was all dark - strange, since it wasn't even midnight.  I tried to get in, but the door was locked the way that you can't get in even with a key.  Knock on door.  Nothing.  Cursing and grumbling, I made my way to the back window that I know the secret was of getting into.  Dog 2 gets out of the gate, and won't come back.  Lots of profanity.  Fine, let's just get in first.  Squish.  Step in dog shit.  In heels.  Can the night get any better?  Apparently yes.  I manage to get in, go out to retrieve Dog 2.  Dog 1 gets out.  Fuck.  Lots of cussing and demands that Dog 2 return.  Dog 1 comes back in.  Dog 3 sticks her nose up my butt.  Dog 2 won't come in.  Finally comes back just in time for Cat 6 or so to walk by.  Dog 2 takes off again.  Finally, I get him back in, and in the process of closing the pain in the ass gate, I lose one of my rings.  I bend down to look for it in the moonlight, and get a hand full of worms and another nose up the butt.  Sigh.  I give up and come back in.  Sit on the couch, channel surfing.  Dog 2 barks loudly.  The Soninlaw comes down the steps carrying a sword.  You know, the night would have been perfect if he had stabbed me with it.  Damn him!

Posted at 7/24/2011 1:47:48 pm by Rowan

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