Entry: I miss him. Monday, October 08, 2007

I miss him

Ever have one of those dreams that you can't seem to shake when you wake up?  One of those that latched on to your emotions so hard, that you mourned the fact that the dream wasn't real?

I had one of those last night, and I can't stop thinking about him.  Not the band - although that would be a right fucking awesome dream.  Him - the man in my dream.

I don't know who he was.  I never got a name.  He looked like nobody I've met, his voice was unlike anyone I know, and he made me feel like I've never felt.  It was short, and oh so sweet.  I woke up missing him.  I've been thinking about him all day.

Life is one cruel bitch.  I found the perfect man in Sandland, and I'll probably never find that channel again.  That's probably a good thing.  Otherwise, I'd probably overdose on sleeping pills trying to spend every unwaking second with him.  The man.  Not the band.

Yesterday I had a long conversation with a relative of someone I dated.  It was mostly a question answer session - somewhat uncomfortable, somewhat not.  I promised to keep our convo a secret, so I won't say any more about it.  Besides, it's not the convo that is important.  The thing was, I got to thinking afterward about when the last time I had a phone conversation with a female was.  Other than my mother (and one liners with The Girlchild and The Girlfriend), I have not had a telephone conversation with another female since 1999.  That's seven freaking years for those of you who were in the LD math class.  Seven years. 

Most of the time I'm secure with my lack of intimate relationships, because they are usually more trouble than they are worth.  But here, in less than 24 hours, I got a not so subtle reminder of what is missing in my life.

It bloody sucks, dammit.

Since I'm in a fuckitall mood, and especially moody in the relationship arena, here is one of those survey things from Myspace, completed with a heaping helping of who fucking gives a shit and just a hint of sour grapes.

THE UNCOMFORTABLE SURVEY (note:  I don't see what could be so unfuckingcomfortable about it... it's not like they're asking if you spit or swallow)

1. Longest relationship:
12 years

2. Shortest relationship:
I have no fucking recollection - but unless something lasts a couple of months, it doesn't qualify as a relationship in my dictionary.

3. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have told you they love you?
All of those bastards

4. Have you ever thought that you were going to marry the person you were dating?
Yeah, talked about it with a couple of the no good mouth breathing shitlickers.

5. Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts?
I liked someone so much that death seemed preferable to living without them, however, since death wasn't practical, I suffered miserably for a few months and just wished for death.

6. Have you ever made a boyfriend or girlfriend cry?:
Yes.  I wish I could make them all cry. 

7. Are you happier single or in a relationship?:
Single single single.

8. Have you ever been cheated on?
Does a bear shit in the woods?  By all but two.  I hope their dicks fall off.

9. What is your favorite thing about the opposite sex?
Usually they smell good.  That's the only positive thing I can think of right now.

10.Have you ever had your heart broken?
Do I really have to fucking answer this question?

11. Have you ever broken someone's heart?
Yes.  But not intentionally.

12. Talk to any of your exes?
Only the one that stalks me, and my ex husband, when I fucking have to.  However, the former is going to find his ass with a restraining order nailed to his door if he doesn't leave me the fuck alone.

13. If you could go back in time would you change things to where you could still be with one of your exes?
Sorry, I fell over laughing.  What was the question?

14. Think any of your ex's feel the same way?
I hope they all are completely and totally miserable wishing that they hadn't fucked me over.  Oh, and I hope that their dicks never get hard again.  Those that had a dick, that is.

15. Do you believe that you are a good boyfriend or girlfriend?
Yes, except for that one, and he just wouldn't take the hint.

16. Have you dated people who were not good to you?
Does Pamela Anderson have fake tits?

17. Have you dated someone older then you?
Yes. (but sure as hell not more mature)

18. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Hell.  Fucking.  No. 

19. Believe in love at first sight?
Yes.  It's called a puppy.

20. Ever dated two people at once?
No, and nobody with any morals at all would.

21. Do you want to get married?
Only if he's 104 with an estate worth millions and is leaving it all to me.

22. Do you have something to say to any of your exes?
I wouldn't give them the satisfaction.

23. Ever stolen someone's boyfriend or girlfriend?
No, I'm not a vicious fucking cunt.

24. Ever liked someone else's boyfriend or girlfriend?
I didn't KNOW they belonged to someone else, because the rat bastards LIED and said they were SEPARATED, and my dumb ass fell for it twice... I hope their balls shrivel up into tiny raisin-like lesions, and a squirrel chews them off.

25. Does heartbreak really feel as bad as it sounds?
What the fuck do you think?  What a stupid fucking question.

26. Are you looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend?
No, and if I find one, I have mace, a box cutter, and a billy club embedded with nails.

Any more stupid questions?



April 13, 2008   04:27 AM PDT
i think i'm in love

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